וילך איש מבית לוי ויקח את בת לוי. ותהר האשה ותלד בן ... (ב-א,ב)
When Amram, the father of Moshe Rabbeinu, remarried his first wife Yocheved, upon the prophetic advice of their seven year-old daughter Miriam, she was 130 years old, while he was considerably younger. Yet, this disparity in age did not bother him for he discerned through prophecy that his union with Yocheved was destined to bear the savior of Klal Yisroel.
There is a tremendous lesson to be learned here, writes R’ Matisyahu Salomon zt”l (who was niftar this week, Zechuso Yagen Aleinu) in Matnas Chaim. When a person lives his life with the objective that he must achieve the purpose for which he was sent into the world, he will approach marriage with that role in mind. If one becomes sidetracked from what his focus should be, and concentrates on extraneous matters – such as beauty, wealth, honor and yes, even age - he is in effect losing sight of the purpose for which marriage was created. Each partner has the potential to enable the other to achieve the ultimate goal for which they were created. When seeking proper life partners for ourselves and our children, one must do so for the sake of Heaven, not for their own sake. It is incumbent upon us to focus on finding the person - regardless of age and appearance - with whom one will be able to accomplish on earth, the purpose that was predestined for him in Heaven.
A powerful story in this regard is told by R’ Chaim Kanievsky zt”l, who related that there was a bochur in his yeshivah who was considered one of the top boys in learning. His reputation was outstanding and the moment he entered the parsha of shidduchim, he was quickly inundated with names of possible matches, all wonderful girls from respected families. It seemed as if his options and prospects were limitless. His parents were cautiously optimistic and after much deliberation and research, they chose a particularly fine girl known for her chessed, ne’emus, inner and outer beauty, and Yiras Hashem, to go on a shidduch date with their son. Not surprisingly, she found favor in his eyes, while she was enamored with him. It took just a few short dates before they seemed to be on track to anounce the Mazel Tov.
Suddenly, and without any warning, the bochur alerted the shadchan that he did not want to continue with this shidduch. When pressed, he explained that he was still young and fresh, new to this exciting parsha of shidduchim - so what was his rush? Why must he get engaged to the first girl he goes out with? Sure, the girl he had been dating was nice and fine, and he was not stopping for any specific reason other than the fact that maybe he should see more people before making such a hasty decision. His parents informed the shadchan that they were planning to move on.
The girl was devastated. She had become fond of him and could see a wonderful and happy future together. To suddenly and unceremoniously be “dumped” for no good reason, other than he did not want to marry his first girl, was embarrassing and mortifying. Especially as many people were aware of how well it had been going and now to tell them it was off - it was more than she could bear. She cried her eyes out and her parents tried to get the shadchan to talk some reason into the boy - but he was not budging: he had so many prospects, why must he “chap” the first one?
Not long after this debacle, the bochur in his yeshivah began to experience pain in his legs. At first he thought nothing of it but it not only persisted, it became progressively worse until soon, he could barely walk across the room. He went to doctors but nobody had any medical explanation for the cause of his excruciating pain. After a few more weeks, he could not walk at all and was confined to a wheelchair. And what happened to all those shidduch prospects that were “lining up” to marry him? Well, the appeal of a bochur in a wheelchair, in constant pain and unable to stand on his own two feet, dried things up for him pretty quickly. He remained single and forlorn for the rest of his life.
R’ Chaim would tell this story to people and always added, “To his credit, the boy realized the terrible mistake he had committed to that poor girl and he would warn boys to be very careful in the kavod of a Bas Yisroel. He saw clearly that as a result of his arrogance, turning away a perfectly good shidduch for no reason, he was never zoche to build a home of his own.”